Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
