This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
