His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize