apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
