My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
