I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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