Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
