I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
