i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I need a burrito and a hug.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
