I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
