there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize