my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
