so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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