I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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