Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
