Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Plan B is the new Plan A
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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