she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
