this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
