A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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