my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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