I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
