I cannot find my penis.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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