Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
