The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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