Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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