if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
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