Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
