i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
