the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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