the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
