ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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