Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
