Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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