i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
