just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
