2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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