I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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