you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
