It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize