im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
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