stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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