The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
