my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
