I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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