I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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