Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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