Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
