WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize