did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
