His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
