My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
