I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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