apparently the secret to your success is patron
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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