Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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